Driving Miss Crazy

I'm not racing you. I am driving with a purpose. That purpose is not to beat you to the next stop light via my four cylinder Honda.  I might add that the racing stripe and spoiler on your discontinued Neon are pretty bad ass. I am surprised you're not smoking a Marlboro. Oh wait, you are. You may think that you won, but seeing you out on the road today has made me the real winner. I thank you for that. Here comes another one of your awesome friends with his truck jacked up to the moon. What a douche bag. I know because I dated him. Not this exact person of course, but one of his flock. Sinking $75,000 into his truck and never making a decision without his mommy, didn't exactly make him marriage material. This is also a guy that instituted a "no hair brushing" policy in his ride.  Good thing I ditched this one in my early twenties as my car is now covered in baby gear and food morsels. 

Watching the traffic light. This is your sole purpose while sitting at said light. I know your Wet and Wild lipstick might need reapplying and a text message is waiting but seriously, there are people behind you that would love to make it through this light cycle. Basically, don't be a dick. 

To you, the slow poke from hell. Get out of the left lane. Your lack of observation skills is truly frightening. I have watched 15 people pass you, honk, and flip you off, yet you continue to obliviously delight in the land of stupidity. I wish someone loved you enough to give you a driving refresher. 

Let us not forget a four way stop. Who goes? Do I go? Do they go? I'm going straight. They're going left. OMG they went how dare they?! Wait. Fuck. Someone else turned left and I am going straight!!! One, two, three, gas it. All of that, not necessary. Here's a small hint to help you remember what to do when faced with the perils of a four way stop. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHICH WAY YOU ARE TURNING. First come, first go. It's that simple.  I can only imagine what ensues at a roundabout. 

Parking is also included. How hard is it to park between those two lines? They are rectangular and shaped like your car for crying out loud. If you can't get your car in them you have two options. One, put it back in gear and maneuver your vehicle around until you're in or two, go find another parking spot in which you can successfully get into. Don't be an asshole and mess up parking for all of us. You being a foot over the line creates a problem for everyone.  Also, remember to get left for emergency vehicles.  I have never in my entire life see such a cluster fuck than when a siren is approaching. 

The lesson here is remember your basics, use a bit of common sense, and remember the purpose of you initially being in the car; to get somewhere. Oh, and by the way, take your family stickers off the back of your car. They not only look stupid but give nut jobs a head count on your family.